He told us he had a lowest price guarantee. They ALL have the lowest price guarantee. He said we could try it for 45 days and then return it if we didn’t like it. I’ve got enough trouble going though this once.

I was exhausted and totally glazed over. I think I’m qualified to make a mattress, but I’m damned if I know which one I want to buy. These guys are more interested in educating me than in selling me. I neither need, nor want more education. I want someone to help guide me to a good decision about a mattress.

Good home salespeople have an interesting technique to prevent customers from becoming completely confused. They show a home and then put a picture of it on the dashboard. They then show another home and ask the customer which one they prefer. Not which one they want to buy, but which one they prefer. The home they prefer then goes on the dashboard and they’re off to look at another. There is only ONE primary home under consideration at any time. It could be the worst piece of crap in the world, but it’s the best thing they’ve seen today. The goal is to find something they like better.

Something like this would be invaluable to me, but I don’t know enough to be able to do it for myself. I need a salesperson.

CONGRESSIONAL REALIGNMENT

When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen is they reduce their staff and workers. The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well. Wall Street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of “tough decision”, and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.

Our government should not be immune from similar risks.

Therefore: Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members and Senate members from 100 to 50 (one per State). Also reduce remaining staff by 25%.

Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections) and of course this would require some redistricting.

Some yearly monetary gains include:

$44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress. (267 members X $165,200 pay / member / yr.)

$97,175,000 for elimination of the above people's staff. (Estimate $1.3 Mil in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Mil in staff per each member of the Senate every year)

$240,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.

$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members whose jobs are gone. Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion / yr)

The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and would need to improve efficiencies. It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country?

We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well. It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.

Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established. (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)

Note: Congress did not hesitate to head home when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems. Also, we have 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay. These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.

Summary of opportunity: $44,108,400 reduction of congress members.

$282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff.

$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff.

$59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members.

$37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining senate members.

$7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members

$8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings.

Big business does these types of cuts all the time.

If Congresspersons were required to serve 20, 25 or 30 years (like everyone else) in order to collect retirement benefits there is no telling how much we would save. Now they get full retirement after serving only ONE term.

—barbara

THE FINANCIAL CRISIS EXPLAINED IN SIMPLE TERMS

Mamie is the proprietor of a bar in NY City. In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers—most of whom are unemployed alcoholics—to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around and as a result increasing numbers of customers flood into Mamie's bar.

Taking advantage of her customers' freedom from immediate payment constraints, Heidi increases her prices for wine and beer, the most-consumed beverages. Her sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic customer service consultant at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Mamie's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert bankers transform these customer assets into DRINKBONDS, ALKBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then traded on markets worldwide. No one really understands what these abbreviations mean and how the securities are guaranteed. Nevertheless, as their prices continuously climb, the securities become top-selling items.

One day, although the prices are still climbing, a risk manager of the bank, decides that the time has come to demand payment of the debts incurred by the drinkers at Mamie's bar (and of course, he's subsequently fired due his negativity).

However they cannot pay back the debts.

Mamie cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKBOND drop in price by 95 %. PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.

The suppliers of Mamie's bar, having granted her generous payment due-dates and having invested in the securities are faced with a new situation.

Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor.

The bank is saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock consultations by leaders from the governing political parties.

The funds required for this purpose are obtained by a tax levied on the non-drinkers.

Finally an explanation I understand...

—Larry Fargher, Realcom Associates, Santa Clara, CA

CDC IMPORTANT INFORMATION

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes—Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

—Allan B. Pintner, Valley View, OH

A TEST FOR OLD KIDS

This is a test for us “old kids.” The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.

1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, “Who was that masked man?” Invariably, someone would answer, “I don't know, but he left this behind.” What did he leave behind?____________.

2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. In early 1964, we all watched them on The __________________ Show.

3 “Get your kicks, ___________________________________.”

4. “The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________________________.”

5. “In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ______________________.”

6. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we danced under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the “_____________.”

7. “N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best . . . ___________________.”

8. Satchmo was America's “Ambassador of Goodwill.” Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _______________________.

9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________________.

10. Red Skelton's hobo character was named ____________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, “Good Night, and __________________________.”

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their___________________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by?_____________ & _____________________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, “the day the music died.” 'This was a tribute to _______________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called _______________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the _______________________.

ANSWERS:

1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.

2. The Ed Sullivan Show

3. On Route 66

4. To protect the innocent.

5. The Lion Sleeps Tonight

6. The limbo

7. Chocolate

8. Louis Armstrong

9. The Timex watch

10. Freddy The Freeloader and “Good Night and God Bless.”

11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed)

12. Beetle or Bug

13. Buddy Holly

14. Sputnik

15. Hula-hoop

—Gordon Livingston, Livingston Realty, Huntington Beach, CA

GOLF TERMS

A 'Rock Hudson'—a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein'—from one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat'—butt ugly and in the sand.

A 'John Kennedy Jr.'—didn't quite make it over the water.

A 'Rodney King'—over-clubbed

An 'OJ.'—got away with one’

A 'Princess Grace'—should have used a driver

A 'Princess Di'—shouldn't have used the driver.

A 'Condom'—safe, but didn't feel very good.

A 'Brazilian'—shaved the hole

A 'Rush Limbaugh'—too far to the right

A 'Nancy Pelosi'—A little to the left

A 'James Joyce'—a putt that's impossible to read.

A 'Ted Kennedy'—goes in the water and jumps out.

A 'Pee Wee Herman'—too much wrist.

A 'Sonny Bono'—straight into the trees.

A 'Mickey Mantle'—a dead yank.

A 'Paris Hilton'—a very expensive hole.

—Geoff Frisch, Frisch Ideas, Atlanta, GA

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.

They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

—Leo Parrish, Highland, MI

THE DOG NEXT DOOR

By Sara Whalen

My 18-month-old son, Adam, called from the front porch. “Look, Mama! Doggie.” I dropped what I was doing and stuck my head out the door. Brandy, our next door neighbor's 11-year-old Golden Retriever, was over again.

“Scat!” I said, scooping up Adam and brushing the dog hair off his T-shirt and shorts.

Brandy's owner had died about a month earlier. The woman's family emptied the house, and a real estate agent stuck a “For Sale” sign in the front yard. But the family had overlooked the old golden, Brandy. For weeks, she'd been sniffing around the neighborhood, living on scraps and handouts.

It wasn't that I disliked dogs or anything like that, I just didn't think about them much. I never had a dog growing up and never thought to get one.

Brandy loped off and I stayed out on the porch with Adam. The phone rang and I ducked inside to take the call. When I came back out, Adam was gone. I scoured the yard, front and back, then the basketball court and the public pool down the block. No trace of him. My worry built to panic. I ran home and called the police, then my husband. Please, Lord, keep Adam safe until we find him.

Police combed the neighborhood. Amid the sirens and commotion of voices, I heard another sound: a dog barking.

“It's coming from the woods,” one of my neighbors said. We followed the barking to a wooded cliff overlooking a creek. There we found my son, flush up against the trunk of a tree, just inches away from the edge of the cliff, fast asleep. Brandy had pressed herself against him. I picked Adam up and leaned down to pat Brandy. She sank down on her side, panting. She must have been holding Adam there for hours!

I thanked the police and brought a safe and sound Adam back to our house. Brandy too. She hesitated a moment on our doorstep, no doubt remembering the times I'd shooed her away.

“Come on, girl,” I said. “This is your home now.” Brandy stepped in, and once she saw she was really welcome, she eased herself onto an old throw rug in the hallway, as if she knew that spot was now hers. She closed her eyes. Her breathing deepened. Her whiskers twitched as she slept. She'd done an incredible thing and I wondered if she knew it. She might have saved my son's life. She'd certainly touched mine in a way no animal ever had. What a shame a dog like Brandy was abandoned. Were there more out there like her?

I learned about other homeless Goldens and took them in, and found homes for many more. It's become a kind of calling for me. Those with disabilities, the old, the blind, the sick, have a special place in my heart. A place I'd never known I had until Brandy opened it.

—Bob Hughes, The Trasan Network, Murietta, CA

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NO BULL SHOTS

“My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.”
—Oprah Winfrey

“No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit.”
—Helen Keller

“You can't help someone get up a hill without getting closer to the top yourself.”
—Norman Schwarzkopf

“It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English — up to fifty words used in correct context — no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.”
—Carl Sagan

“Often stress comes from ignoring things you shouldn't be ignoring.
—Jeff Bezos

“You are the only one who can use your ability. It is an awesome responsibility.”
—Zig Ziglar

“When they took the fourth amendment, I was silent because I don't deal drugs. When they took the sixth amendment, I kept quiet because I know I'm innocent. When they took the second amendment, I said nothing because I don't own a gun. Now they've come for the first amendment, and I can't say anything at all.”
—Tim Freeman

“Love doesn't make the world go round—it makes the ride worthwhile.”
—Allan B. Pintner

“Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.”
—Gerald R. Ford

“Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.”
—Aristotle

“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.”
—George S. Patton

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, learning from failure.”
—Colin Powell

“My country owes me nothing. It gave me, as it gives every boy and girl, a chance. It gave me schooling, independence of action, opportunity for service and honor. In no other land could a boy from a country village, without inheritance or influential friends, look forward with unbounded hope.”
—Herbert Hoover

“Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.”
—Nick Diamos

“We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand... and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late.”
—Marie Beyon Ray

“Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.”
—Robert Orben