Working with USPS is a challenge on the best of days, but they have been working on making their web site more user friendly and, once you’ve learned how to circumvent their sneaky little rules, you can print a label faster than you can go to the post office.

I filled out all the blanks and hit “submit” and was thrown out. I neglected to select a box for using my mailing address as my return address. How rude of me.

I filled out the form again, but I was thrown out because I had moved and my current address was not the same as that on file with the service. I refilled out the form once again.

Bounced because the address on my credit card was different from my new address. I’m losing my normally sunny disposition.

The next time I was dumped, a little box displayed and wanted me to download a file. I did so and got a pop-up trying to sell me a registry cleaner. Having no idea what was going on, as I’m just a poor, stupid customer, I shut the whole thing down and started from scratch. By now I could have built the post office, much less have just gone there.

It seems I didn’t have the most current edition of Acrobat Reader, without which the post office could not print my label. I only took about five hours to print a five dollar label. Lousy return on time investment.

To relax, I read a sales blog written by a good friend and terrific salesman. He is always looking for feed back on his work, so I decided to write a note in the “comments” section. Before my comments could be posted, I had to fill out two nonsense words written in that wavy script used to confuse spammers.

I don’t want to play word games; I just wanted to fill out a comment. Damned if I’m going to solve some puzzle just to write a note. I left without posting my thoughts.

Why do we make it hard for people to buy from us? Why don’t we have big, brightly colored buttons for people to accomplish what they need to accomplish. Law requires us to have doors wide enough for wheel chairs. Shouldn’t we remove the visual and psychological barriers to our business as well?

DRINKS THAT REFLECT PERSONALITY

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink: Beer

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.

Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink......

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)

Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel

Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.

Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is. This should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots

Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila

No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!

THEN, there is the MALE addendum—The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

—Allan Pintner, Brecksville, OH

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

The Good news:
It was a normal day in Sharon Springs, KS when a Union Pacific crew boarded a loaded coal train for the long trek to Salina.

The Bad news:
Just a few miles into the trip a wheel bearing became overheated and melted, letting a metal support drop down and grind on the rail, creating white hot molten metal droppings spewing down to the rail.

The Good news:
A very alert crew noticed smoke about halfway back in the train and immediately stopped the train in compliance with the rules.

The Bad news:
The train stopped with the hot wheel over a wooden bridge with creosote ties and trusses.

RULES ARE RULES!

But, don't let common sense get in the way of a good disaster!

—Gordon Livingston, Livingston Realty, Huntington Beach, CA

BEING A MOTHER

After 17 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been alone for 20 years, but the demands of my work and my two boys had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.

“What's wrong, aren't you well,” she asked?

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.

“I thought it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last birthday on November 19th.

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into that new white van. ‘They can't wait to hear about our date.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said.

“Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation—nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.

As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home.

“Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her

Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined.. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates—one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of
saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby... somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, “normal” is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct ... somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring ...somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a “good” mother, your child will “turn out good” ... somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother... somebody never helped a fourth grader with his maths.

Somebody said you can't love the second child as much as you love the first ... somebody doesn't have two children.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery ... somebody never watched her “baby” get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten ... or on a plane headed for military “boot camp.”

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married ... somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home ... somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her ... somebody isn't a mother.

—Jay Modglin, San Jose, CA

YOUR PARROT, HE IS DEAD

At dawn the telephone rings, “Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Senor, that's the one.”

“Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane?? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.”

“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

'What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Senor Rod.”

“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Senor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”

“Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.”

SILENCE…LONG SILENCE

“Ernesto, if you broke my driver, you're in deep trouble!”

—Geoff Frisch, Frisch Ideas, Atlanta, GA

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10,000 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Lichtenstein. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.

—M.K. Fitzpatrick, Calgary, AL, Canada

A PRAYER FOR THOSE GROWING OLDER

Lord, Thou knowest that I am growing older.

Keep me from becoming talkative and possessed with the idea that I must express myself on every subject.

Release me from the craving to straighten out everyone's affairs.

Keep me from the recital of endless detail. Give me wings to get to the point.

Seal my lips when I am inclined to tell of my aches and pains; they are increasing with the years and my love to speak of them grows sweeter as time goes by.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally I may be wrong.

Make me thoughtful but not nosey; helpful but not bossy.

With my vast store of wisdom and experience it does seem a pity not to use it all. But Thou knowest, Lord, that I want a few friends at the end.

—barbara

WOOFIE WOWSER

Here is the finest wine opener I’ve ever seen, bar none. Slip the handsome aluminum tube over the neck of your favorite wine and touch the bottom of the black button. There is a muted whir and the cork is whisked out of the bottle with no effort on your part whatever.

Now, touch the upper part of the black button and the soft whir resumes, but this time the cork is being freed and will be deposited in your waiting hand. It’s like magic.

Gifts of this caliber are not for the piker, but if you need a closing gift for a good deal, or a reward for a top performing employee, this is the ticket.

They’ll set you back only $48.00 with a minimum order of a dozen, but that’s cheap when compared to the grins and fond memories that will result every time your treasured friend uses it.

It comes complete with a trick foil clipper (pictured) and a transformer for charging the internal batteries.

Call me today, as this one is just too good to miss.

NO BULL SHOTS

“People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.”
—Russell Baker

“It is bad luck to be superstitious.”
—Andrew W. Mathis

“When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.”
—Bernard Bailey

“There are two types of people—those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'“ —Frederick L Collins

“The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness.”
—Joseph Conrad

“No one is as capable of gratitude as one who has emerged from the kingdom of night.”
—Elie Wiesel

“My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared.”
—P. J. Plauger

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.”
—Pablo Picasso

“A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.”
—H. L. Mencken

“The problem with Socialism is that eventually you run out of other people’s money.”
—Margaret Thatcher

“Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.”
—Charles M. Schulz

“It is impossible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment.”
—Naomi Williams

“Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.”
—Albert Schweitzer

“Spare no expense to save money on this one.”
—Samuel Goldwyn

“It is not enough to be happy: It is also necessary that others not be.”
—Jules Renard

“Do not pursue what is illusory—property and position: all that is gained at the expense of your nerves decade after decade and can be confiscated in one fell night. Live with a steady superiority over life—don't be afraid of misfortune, and do not yearn after happiness; it is after all, all the same: the bitter doesn't last forever, and the sweet never fills the cup to overflowing.”
—Alexander Solzhenitsyn

“When it's cloudy in the pulpit, it's foggy in the pews.”
—Cavett Robert

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.”
—Pablo Picasso