The next day he told me I had a corrupted operating system and agreed to install Windows 7 for another $110.

A couple of hours later, he told me Windows 7 would not install because I had a defective motherboard. Another $130 would fix this.

Do you see a pattern forming here? Sure, because you have the benefit of hindsight, but I kept thinking each action would solve the problem and I was so deeply invested in time, money and emotion I just couldn’t stop.

The young man said that the new motherboard wouldn’t fit in my case, nor would the old power supply. Roughly another $85.

I was beginning to get really irritated.

The next call was to inform me that my old CPU would not fit the new motherboard and another $200 should take care of it.

I told him not to call me again.

An hour later a different young man called to tell me that my video card was kaput and required another $100.

You’ve doubtless heard the apocryphal tale of the frog being boiled by placing it in cool water and gradually increasing the heat. I was that frog. I didn’t really need a new computer, but I wanted one so bad my teeth itched. This same emotion runs rampant through the veins of your customers when they get “the hardly waits” for whatever you’re selling. The stronger the motivation, the more extreme will be the actions to scratch the itch and they don’t have to make sense to anyone, least of all the customer.

At four o’clock I went to pick up the shiny new box and was presented with a bill for $673; this on top of the $125 I’d already paid.

I gulped and stammered and muttered something about them buying me dinner before screwing me, but I paid the bill.

Bear in mind the newspaper is full of computers with printers and monitors and all the goodies for less than $500, but here I was paying $800 and supplying my own monitor, hard drive and optical drives. You want to talk about selling into a price disadvantage? Price doesn’t matter if the customer wants your proposition badly enough.

Night was falling as I plopped the new box on my desk and began to hook up the peripherals.

The monitor wouldn’t plug into the sound card. The damned thing didn’t fit.

Nearly in tears, I called Central Computer. The young man told me there was no problem, I just needed an adaptor and they were only a couple of bucks.

I told him that there was a stone rabbit bench in the courtyard in front of my house and that his computer would be sitting on that rabbit.

The whole massive deal blew over a two dollar adaptor that should have been enclosed as a matter of course.

For want of a nail…

GOD LOVES DRUNKS, TOO

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning.” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunken guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there.”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please.” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replied the drunk.

—Kim Fitzpatrick, Calgary, Alberta, Canada

OBSERVATIONS ON GROWING OLDER

~It's harder to tell navy from black.

~Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around.

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are perfect.

~Yellow becomes the big color...walls...hair...teeth.

~Going out is good. Coming home is better.

~When people say you look “Great”...they add “for your age”.

~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...movies…hotels ...flights.

~You forget names...but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

~The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.

~You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks and they tell you the truth.

~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything...especially golf.

~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his “pre-sleep”

~Remember when your mother said “Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident”? Now you wear clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.

~You used to say, “I hope my kids GET married... Now, “I hope they STAY married.”

~The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom...you have his full attention.

~Who wants to wear 3” heels anyway?

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.

~When GOOGLE, iPod, email, modem, were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You use more 4 letter words...”what?”...”when?” ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?

~Many of the people in People Magazine you've never heard of.

~Your concealer doesn't conceal.

~Your lipstick bleeds.

~Your mascara clumps and your eyebrows are disappearing.

~You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs but your chin needs to be plucked daily.

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired...you'd give anything if he'd find a job.

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet...2 of which you will never wear.

~But old is good in some things: old songs...old movies and best of all OLD FRIENDS

—barbara

E-MAIL TRACKER PROGRAMS

Everyone is familiar with www.snopes.com and/or www.truthorfiction.com for determining whether information received via email is just that: true/false or fact/fiction. Both are excellent sites.

Advice from Snopes.com

1) Any time you see an E-Mail that says forward this on to '10' (or however many) of your friends, sign this petition, or you'll get bad luck, good luck, you'll see something funny on your screen after you send it, or whatever, it almost always has an E-Mail tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and E-Mails of those folks to whom you forward.

The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active' E-Mail addresses to use in SPAM E-Mails, or sell to other spammers. Even when you get emails that demand you send the email on if you're not ashamed of God/Jesus ...that's E-mail tracking and they're playing on our conscience. These people don't care how they get your email addresses—just as long as they get them. Also, emails that talk about a missing child or a child with an incurable disease—”how would you feel if that were your child”....E-mail Tracking.

Ignore them and don't participate!

2) Almost all E-Mails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type of E-Mail is, is a way to get names and 'cookie' tracking information for telemarketers and spammers—to validate active E-Mail accounts for their own profitable purposes.

You can do your friends and family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them; you will be providing a service to them, and will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam E-Mails in the future!

If you have been sending out (FORWARDING) the above kinds of E-Mail, now you know why you get so much SPAM!

Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listings regardless of how inviting they might sound...or make you feel guilty if you don'!...it's all about getting email addresses - nothing more.

You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT. Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later and very possibly a virus attached. Plus, you are helping the spammers get rich. Let's not make it easy for them!

Also: E-Mail petitions are NOT acceptable to White House, Congress or any other organization - i.e. social security, etc. To be acceptable, petitions must have a signed signature and full address of the person signing the petition, so this is a waste of time and, again, you're just helping the Email trackers.

AND don't forget...delete other peoples' e-mail addresses when you send on your e-mails. When forwarding or sending use BCC, which means, “Blind Carbon Copy,” that protects everyone.

—Bob Hughes, The Trasan Network, Murietta, CA

POST TURTLE

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama.

The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle’''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.”

—Gordon Livingston, Livingston Realty, Huntington Beach, CA

DEFINITIONS: CONSERVATIVE / LIBERAL

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one. If a liberal doesn’t like guns, then no one should have one.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, they don’t eat meat. If a liberal is, they want to ban all meat products for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, they quietly enjoy their life. If a liberal is homosexual, they loudly demand legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church. A liberal wants all churches to be silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.. A liberal demands that his neighbors pay for his.

—Allan B. Pintner, Brecksville, OH

THE AMAZING CUCUMBER

This information was in The New York Times as part of their “Spotlight on the Home” series that highlighted creative and fanciful ways to solve common problems.

1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumber s are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.

5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too.

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and head ache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache.

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone.

10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber with react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel? Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but it won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls. Pass this along to everybody you know who is looking for better and safer ways to solve life's everyday problems.

—Patrick McVay, Elite Investments, Huntington Beach, CA

NO BULL SHOTS

“Humility does not mean thinking less of yourself. It means thinking of yourself less.”
—C. S. Lewis

“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word.”
—Mark Twain

“The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action.”
—Frank Herbert

“I have lived some thirty years on this planet, and I have yet to hear the first syllable of valuable or even earnest advice from my seniors.”
—Henry David Thoreau

“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”
— John Wooden

“The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.”
—Bertrand Russell

“Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.”
—Madame Marie Curie

“A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.”
—William James

“The human brain is unique in that it is the only container of which it can be said that the more you put into it, the more it will hold.”
—Glenn Doman

“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them become what they are capable of being.”
—Goethe

“A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.”
— Granville Hicks

“Success is not your friend, nor adversity an enemy”
—Silvio Di Loreto

“My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.”
—Jean Rostand

“All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume.”
—Noam Chomsky

“By the time we've made it, we've had it.”
—Malcolm Forbes

“The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.” —Arnold Toynbee

“I always turn to the sports pages first, which records people's accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures.”
—Earl Warren