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Volume XVII, Issue 12 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Happy Holidays, 1999
By Hank Trisler
For more years than I care to enumerate, I’ve been ranting in this space about lousy customer service and how expensive it is. I’m not alone in this endeavor. Countless customer service, sales and marketing folks have been singing the same tune. I’m now delighted to report that I honestly think someone has been listening. It is far easier to find examples of excellent customer care than it has been at any time in my memory.
Sonicare makes slim electric toothbrushes that allegedly oscillate at 16,000 strokes per minute, or some equally fantastic number. We got one the very minute they were available at Costco.
It was wonderful. At first we were unaccustomed to the vigorous action and our gums bled profusely. After a couple of weeks, however, our gums were pink and healthy and our fangs had never been so clean and well polished.
For about 18 months.
Then that dog began misfiring like an old Ford in the rain. My Barbara called Sonicare and explained that, though it was technically out of warranty, we felt a $100 toothbrush should last longer than a year and a half. The customer care lady at Sonicare agreed wholeheartedly and promised to FedEx us a new one, which she promptly did.
It ran great for almost two years and then crapped out again. Again, Barbara called and was surprised to learn they had been keeping a file on us and the lady to whom she was speaking knew all about us and our past problems. "Are you perhaps using a toothpaste with baking soda and hydrogen peroxide?" the lady asked.
"How did you know?" responded Barbara.
"We’ve found that sort of toothpaste is causing microscopic cracks in the Sonicare housing. Water gets in through the cracks and eventually shorts out the motor. Of course you would have no way of knowing this, so we’ll send you a new one immediately and two extra brushes to help compensate you for your trouble. We’d appreciate it if you would use another toothpaste, however. Is that okay with you?"
Okay? It was far more than we had hoped for and made long-term fans of us. A loyal following of happy customers will surely reward their excellence.
Safeway stores have brought about a complete turn-around in their customer care program. Their people remember a customer by name after only a couple of visits. They smile and look like they actually mean it. They gladly stop stacking cans to help you find what you’re looking for. They seem to feel that their job is to actually help the customer, rather than rearrange displays.
Now you and I know that’s the way they are supposed to act, but how many employees do? To make matters even more amazing, these people belong to a union. Anyone who has been in management for more than twenty minutes knows that trying to manage union employees is akin to herding cats.
I decided to call Safeway to find out how they had accomplished this miracle. A friend of mine is the recently retired Vice President of Sales for Safeway’s produce division. I was sure that throwing his name around would get me a lot of information, so I dropped it liberally when I spoke to the public relations office.
A very polite, friendly, yet totally professional and solid as a rock lady said, "I’m very happy to hear that you’ve noticed the changes we’ve made, as we spent an enormous amount of money and time to achieve the results you witnessed. We now consider our program as propriety and don’t care to share our methods with anyone. Thank you for calling."
If a company as big and powerful as Safeway thinks their program is good enough to put under lock and key, I think they’re on to something.
Optiquest builds computer monitors of the highest quality and resolution. When a power spike caused by Pacific Gas & Electric fried my old monitor, I saw no reason to spare any expense. I bought a big Optiquest and charged it to PG&E.
It was really great for about two years, at which time it began to get all purple all the time. I called customer service and requested replacement under their 5-year warranty. A lady named Louise Call explained that the warranty covered parts and labor for one year and parts only for the next four. She said to give her a credit card number and she’d charge me $80. I could then send her the monitor and she’d overhaul it and return it within two weeks.
I grumpily agreed and took my monitor to Mailboxes, Etc., as of course I’d thrown my original carton away. They packed it and sent it to Optiquest for only another $80. Now I’m in $160 on a warranted monitor. I was not a pleased puppy.
Just shy of two weeks, the monitor arrived and worked exactly as promised for nearly a month before going purple again.
I called Louise and loudly informed her that my monitor was a turkey and I had no intention of putting out another $160 to get it healed again. I was ready for a fight and more rules that I’d have to follow.
Louise fooled me. She said, "I understand how upset you must be. Of course we’ll replace your monitor at no cost to you whatever. I’ll send you a new monitor and
you use the box I send to return the old one to us."
I was completely disarmed. No forms to fill out. No pledges to make. No superiors to consult. Louise was empowered to do whatever it took to make her customer happy and she did just that.
American Express is just pitiful. Come on, you didn’t expect all roses, did you? AMX instituted a new program called "Workstation SE." It is suppose to allow a merchant (me) to view the status of my account on their web site and eliminate the need for any paper statements. I signed up immediately.
The second month I noticed that a $650+ deposit had not been posted. I called AMX and was assured it had cleared. "Will you see to it that it is posted?" I asked.
"Oh, no, that’s another department. Here’s their number."
The worst kind of customer service is when you have to call multiple numbers to solve your problem. The best companies handle it all with one call.
I called the number and was assured that the posting would occur within 48 hours.
A week later ¾ with my deposit still unposted ¾ I called again and got the same story. I was beginning to get the idea that they were not telling me the truth and they weren’t.
I went back to their site to fill out their feedback form and let them know about the problem. The form had only radio buttons and no spaces whatever for comments. They had a feedback form with no room for feedback. Brilliant.
Stamps.com. Nice try, but no cigar. This is the program that lets you print postage right on your laser printer and right in your office. I had to have that.
I set it all up and it wouldn’t print right on my printer. Now we’re not talking some crappy little Taiwan clone printer here, I drive an old, but reliable IBM-Lexmark 4019 laser printer made in Lexington, Kentucky, US of A. They made and sold a whole damn bunch of these things.
I’m going to cut right to the chase here. Over the past three months, I have spoken with fourteen different people at Stamps.com and my printer still won't work. It works on all my other programs, but not on theirs.
Every time I call, I have to start from ground zero, as they have no file on me. They don’t have that kind of software, they say. Any company that tries to operate without Help Desk, or some other form of customer database is just chasing their tail.
I have made nearly thirty calls, some returned, the most not. I have three times faxed them samples of the envelopes I print, but no one seems able to find them.
Each person to whom I have spoken is unfailingly nice and eager to please. That’s why I’ve hung with them so long: They really seem like they’re trying hard.
Yesterday a young lady called in response to my latest e-mail and said it looked like they just weren’t going to be able to support my printer. Wait a minute. Can’t support an IBM printer? That’s like saying you can’t support a Hewlett-Packard LaserJet. If you don’t support them, you eliminate a huge chunk of your market.
They have good customer service; staffed by people who really care and are trying hard to please, but the product just isn’t there. The finest support in the world won’t make up for a bad product, but a solid product and good support are an unbeatable team.
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated...Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Minnesota, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, On Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I Her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus, sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the south. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox", Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack" and Hank Williams, Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
Thanks to Larry Gildersleeve, Gildersleeve Partners, Naples, FL
Day 1:
Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow wid all da heat in the summa.
Day 2:
Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem.
Marie
Day 3:
Dear Boudreaux, Why couldn't you a sent me Crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.
Day 4:
Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more xxxxx birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators.
Marie
Day 5:
Dear Boudreaux, You finally sen' somethin useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Day 6:
Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you Cajun turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeses. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit oyrster dressing on Christmas day.
Day 7:
Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, a mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Day 8:
Dear Boudreaux, poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweepinq the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think dey too good ta skin nutrias I caught las night.
Marie
Day 9:
Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, "Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin." Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens.
Marie
Day 10:
Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill you, I will fo sure. Today he deliver 10 half nikid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be "Ladies Dancin" but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an had to get toilet paper; the Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity Lords' royal behin'.
Marie
Day 11:
Dear Boudreaux, where y'at? Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he having a good time, yeah, dancing with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it.
Marie
Day 12:
Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de Lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids doan have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business. We will probably gross a million nex year.
Marie
Thanks to Jay Conner, Leader Homes, Morehead City, NC
Deck the halls with Buddy Holly.
We three kings of porridge and tar.
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me.
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
He’s making a list, chicken and rice.
Noel, Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.
With the jelly toast proclaim.
Olive, the other reindeer.
Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
Sleep in heavenly peas
In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown
You’ll go down in Listerine
Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
O come, froggy faithful
You’ll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require."
Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
Round John Virgin, mother and child
SCHIZOPHRENIA Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me.
MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, .......(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
Thanks to Walt Slaughter, Walt Slaughter Associates, Brentwood, TN
"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th year as a people," the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"
After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well for one thing, the Jews had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."
"Confidence is that feeling by which the mind embarks on great and honorable courses with a sure hope and trust in itself."
¾ Cicero
"Nature is reckless of the individual. When she has points to carry, she carries them."
¾ Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I am tired of hearing that democracy doesn’t work. It isn’t supposed to work. We are supposed to work it."
¾ Alexander Wollcott
"On the whole, I haven’t found men unduly loathe to say, ‘I love you.’ The real trick is to get them to say, ‘Will you marry me?’"
¾ Ilka Chase
"Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful."
¾ Samuel Johnson
"A cathedral, a wave of a storm, a dancer’s leap, never turn out to be as high as we had hoped."
¾ Marcel Proust
"It ain’t braggin’ if you can do it."
¾ Dizzy Dean
"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."
¾ Rodney Dangerfield
"The artist isn’t particularly keen on getting a thing done, as you call it. He gets his pleasure out of doing it, playing with it, fooling with it, if you like. The mere completion of it is an incident."
¾ William McFee
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
¾ George Carlin
"When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."
¾ Frederick Ryder
"Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell."
¾ Ambrose Bierce
"The greatest fool is he who thinks he is not one and all others are."
¾ Baltasar Gracian
"Politicians are people who resolve through linguistic processes conflicts that would otherwise have to be solved by force."
¾ S.I. Hayakawa
"When one teaches, two learn."
¾ Robert Half
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
¾ Ingrid Bergman
"In any controversy, the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth and have begun striving for ourselves."
¾ Thomas Carlyle
"The chain of marriage is so heavy that it takes two to bear it; sometimes three."
¾ Alexandre Dumas fils
"Good manners and soft words have brought many a difficult thing to pass."
¾ John Vanbrugh
"There is a natural aristocracy among men. The grounds of this are virtue and talent."
¾ Thomas Jefferson
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